Funny Quotes

~Wonderful Funny Quotes~

Funny  Quotes About Friendship

"Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces." Austin O'Malley 

"A good friend is cheaper than therapy." Author Unknown

~My Favorite Funny Quote About Friendship~

"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked." Author Unknown

"Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police." Author Unknown

"One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out
of four murders are committed by people who know the victim." George Carlin
"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down."
Arnold Glasow
"An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you
move a dead body." Jim Hayes

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." Elbert Hubbard 

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend." John Leonard

"Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack.
Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces." Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends."
Gwyneth Paltrow
"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my
memory fails." Donna Roberts

Funny Quotes About Retirement

"Sometimes it's hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment." Author Unknown

"In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day." Author Unknown

"The money's no better in retirement but the hours are!"  Author Unknown

~My Favorite Funny Quote About Retirement~

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does." Author Unknown

"Retirement: World's longest coffee break." Author Unknown

"The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money."
Author Unknown
"I've been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They're called naps."
Merri Brownworth

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns

"Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money." Jonathan Clements

"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income." George Foreman

"Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did." Malcolm Forbes

"There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working."
Robert Half

"A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job." Ella Harris

"Retirement is the ugliest word in the language." Ernest Hemingway

"I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron." Hartman Jule

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off." Abe Lemons

"When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you." Gene Perret

"I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day." Gene Perret

"Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it." Gene Perret

"Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese." Gene Perret

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."  Bill Watterson

"When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch." R.C. Sherriff

"When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces.  Women go right on cooking." Gail Sheehy

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income."
Chi Chi Rodriguez

"Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever." Gene Perret 

"Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf."
Gene Perret

"In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball." Gene Perret

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