Seinfeld Quotes

Enjoy these Seinfeld quotes - one of the most watched television shows of the 1990s is a treasure trove of great quotes. "Seinfeld", in case you aren't familiar with it, is a comedy about a group of friends going through everyday life; talking about quirky situations that we can all relate to.

~One Of My Favorite Seinfeld Quotes~
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?

George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

~Who Hasn't Repeated This Seinfeld Quote At Sometime~
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Frank Costanza: I have been performing feats of strength all morning.

~George Has The Best Seinfeld Quotes~
George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

George Costanza: [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.
Jerry: I think she saw it coming.

~Great Seinfeld Quote Between Newman And Jerry~
[repeated lines]
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.

George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

What Is Your Favorite Episode?

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Mr. Bookman 
I love this episode and still laugh every time I see it. It is just brilliant. A library cop named Bookman LOL

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Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]

Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked.

Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

[Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)]
Jerry: I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see...a nipple.

George Costanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

~Kramer's Quote From The Woody Allen Movie He Was In~

Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

~A Classic Seinfeld Quote~

Jerry: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

Jerry: You can't keep avoiding her.
George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.

George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.

Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.

Jerry: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.

Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.

Jerry: You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.

George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never make good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.

George Costanza: I love you, Jer.
Jerry: Right back at you, slick.

~Also One Of My Favorite Seinfeld Quotes~

George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.

Jerry: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.

George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.

Cosmo Kramer: [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!
Elaine: What?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm out of the contest.

Jerry: [Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp] I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, there was an incident.
Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.

Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.

Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.

[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.

George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."

George Costanza: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

~Another Really Funny Seinfeld Quote~

George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

~I Love This Seinfeld Quote~

George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.

George Costanza: Jerry, what gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure.

~A Seinfeld Quote About George's View On Divorce~

George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.

George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.

George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.

[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket]
Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that?
Anna: It's mine.
Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.

~A Seinfeld Quote About George's Family Tree~

George Costanza: My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.

Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control...information.

[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan]
George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.

Seinfeld Quotes, Page 2

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